one word: firstdatebathroomanal
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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