I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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