Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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