Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
