I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She's the barista slut.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
