How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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