I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
how do you play pong handcuffed?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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