When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My dick has a subreddit
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
