when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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