my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
