Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
