threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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