meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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