Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
