I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
