I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
