He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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