Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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