sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
