is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
wanna go halves on a baby?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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