i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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