new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
