May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
