Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
