either way he was missing a nipple.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
