these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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