at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
