Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize