I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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