Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
