You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
