Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
