they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
