Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You're a disaster
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