I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize