If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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