Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You can't special order awesome
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
