I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
