Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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