yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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