I hate your face
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
