I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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