My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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