i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
