"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize