Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
What a dumb baby whore.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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