he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
