Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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