This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
