Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize