Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
