Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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