It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
