After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize