his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
