: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
