I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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