That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
