I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
