We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
