Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
